quine's wiki | Main / Humour

Ballmer's Chair Incident
AT&T Monthly Fees
Angry Alien The 30-Second Bunnies Theatre Library
The Sandvine
Fight Back Against Telemarketers
Strange Laws
MENSA Entrance Test
Classical Learning Curves for Some Common Editors
iFart — netted $27,249 over Christmas.
Customers Say the Darnedest Things
TV Tropes
2009-04-01 Roundup
The Best Joke in the Universe (According to jeffasselin)
Everything I really needed to know about life I learned from playing Tetris
Gmail leaves beta, launches "Back to Beta" Labs feature
Communication Failures in Software Development
Proposal for Reforming English Spelling
College Entrance Essay
Caution! Zombies Ahead!
11 Craziest Kim Jong-Il Moments - 11Points.com
If TV Science Was More Like Real Science
"Owed to a Spell Chequer" [sic]
Buy Steve Irwin dead on eBay! (@ The Register)
Linus Poses in Win 7 Store
Linus Poses in Win 7 Store (Caption: Sarcasm)
Wolfram Alpha's Answers to Life's Tough Questions (@ Slashdot)
All Purpose Apology
Be a Mao Shan Master (may be considered NSFW)
Arecibo reply message.svg
LHC Live Video Feed
Advice for Tourists Travelling to London
The Apple Product Cycle
Runalong with Pastor Mark: Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? (and other one liners)
Best Man Rigs Newlyweds' Bed to Tweet During Sex
Negative 2000 Lines of Code
Watch This: 70-Minute Video Review of Star Wars: The Phantom Menace @ SlashFilm
Flowchart Helps You Decide What Cereal to Eat | FlowingData
Problem Comparison: Tiger Woods vs. Jay-Z | FlowingData
Annoyances.org - ACHTUNG - ALLES LOOKENPEEPERS
How Google TiSP Works
Classic WTF: The Complicator's Gloves @ The Daily WTF
The Geek Chart (Hierarchy)
Origin of the Multics "cookie" program @ Multicians.org
Origin of the Multics "cookie" program @ Slashdot.org
I don't know what we'd do without our honest, hard working politicians.
A list of all the things MacGyver did
Apple admits using subtle and precise child labour | NewsTechnica
Google adopts new “Do, however, be stupid” policy | NewsTechnica
US builds “loving, caring” fortress in middle of London | NewsTechnica
Daniel Tosh Destroys an iPad @ YouTube
Life = Risk Motivational Video @ YouTube
Essential Gear to Survive a Zombie Attack | Cool Material
Blessed be the mobile phone users and those called the children of iPod -Times Online
Funny Software Licencing
Achievement (You can do anything you set your mind to when you have vision, determination, and an endless supply of expendable labor.)
A "birdwatching" guide for the English (@ Amazon)
WYAE - Joke-RfCs (A list of all joke RFCs) RFC 6217 - Regional Broadcast Using an Atmospheric Link Layer, RFC 6921 - FTL Communication
Hello World! - GNU Project - Free Software Foundation (FSF) (How the way people code “Hello World” varies depending on their age and job)
Valve Time (Difference Between Valve Time and Actual Time)
Unit Testing Achievements
Dear SlashRock - make new wheel with rocks?
Can't Stop Laughing
Quote List at danny.sadinoff.com
Facebook shocked, shocked at privacy problems | NewsTechnica
Pithypedia - Similar Quotes
Tuscan Whole Milk, 1 Gallon, 128 fl oz: Amazon.com: Grocery & Gourmet Food (Joke Reviews)
Main Page - LOLCat Bible Translation Project
lolkoran
Revise the Titanic!
VAXen, my children, just don't ... (belong [in] some places)
If Mario Was Made in 2010
Damn You Auto Correct!
I’m Warning You! | WeirDay (Weird and funny warning signs)
How to decrypt a DVD in haiku form
James Oberg's Pioneering Space Home on LaGrange (The L5 Song) © 1978 by William S. Higgins and Barry D. Gehm
Switched On turns one: The Maven -- Engadget (keywords: Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven]]
Charts Don't Lie: a Craigslist Seller's Annotated User's Guide - Craigslist Chronicles - Curbed National
Programming Fans of Different Languages as Seen by Practioners of Other Languages
Pre-dawn raids across U.S. nab over 100 Apple Water violators | Scoopertino
Dear Emily Postnews (keywords: netiquette)
Real Coder's Keyboard (JPG)
Coding Horror: The "Works on My Machine" Certification Program
PPMB :: View topic - Texas Air Disaster
Clients from Hell: The Asshole Lawyer Boyfriend (keywords: yes, you can steal a website design)
Farside: Understanding Dolphins' Speech)
Microsoft opens crowdsourced legal site “CrockLaw” | NewsTechnica
Religions stimulate “Apple-like” reactions in brain | NewsTechnica
The Real Reason the iPhone was Tracking Locations [Comic]
Dilbert comic strip for 05/04/2010 from the official Dilbert comic strips archive. (keywords: ease the suffering of dying technology)
Bitcoin to revolutionise the economy | NewsTechnica
30 ridiculously dumb tech warning labels | ITworld
Angry Birds BlackBerry Launch
Op-Art: Like it or Unfriend It - Graphic - NYTimes.com (keywords: What America's Facebook Wall would look like)
Shacks with Satellite TV
Microsoft Hit Wizard: R&B Edition
Molecules You Ought to be Aware of
RIM makes BlackBerry that can’t read email | NewsTechnica
The first woman on the moon (with explanation)
The first woman on the moon
How about you focus?
Oops, there goes /usr
Facepalm Collage
Road Workers Can not spell (LOL) | SHTF NEWS - SHTFNEWS.COM
Implied Facepalm
The 10 Most Bizarre and Annoying Causes of Fiber Cuts - Beyond Bandwidth
El Reg: Vulture Units
El Reg: New Unit Proposals
El Reg: Yet More Unit Proposals
Google Romance
Why People Pirate Movies
And here's why you always logout of a public terminal/phone...
X-Wing on World War II Aircraft Carrier picture by Ironic-Mike - Photobucket (X-Wing Fighter in catwalk on USS Long Island after landing accident July 1942)
Stormtrooper Chefs Offer JarJar's Head on a Plate (@ tumblr.com)
Surfing Dog
Folklore.org: Macintosh Stories: Black Wednesday
Nokia and Microsoft create "Lumia" phone, which means prostitute in some dialects of Spanish
snopes.com: Smithsonian Barbie
How 'Star Wars' Characters Could Have Benefited From Online Training | The Committed Sardine
Sony GTV Remote
Dell: Images shown are for demonstrative purposes only
Linus of "Charlie Brown" Explains what Christmas is Really About
Startrek BSoD (animated GIF)
SQL Injection Licence Plate
Cover for "Never Eat Anything Bigger than Your Head & Other Drawings
ITAPPMONROBOT - The Daily WTF
Made in USA T-Shirt
Nothing To Do With Arbroath: Druids hired to cut road accidents
The Difference between Post-secondary Coding and the Workplace
All Theories Proven with One Graph
Chinese restaurant called TRANSLATE SERVER ERROR - Boing Boing
Meet the "All New" 2012 Mercurock Sabletooth
PSD: Photoshop Disasters: Glamour: Even The Instruments Are Fake
Scott Wooledge: Microsoft, Apple Unite to Demand That the National Organization for Marriage Boycott Them
New on the snarXiv
The Barometer Question
FOCUS Magazine Interview with Bill Gates: Microsoft Code Has No Bugs (why making the next version as a bug fix release makes no sense economically for Microsoft)
War and Nookd — eBook Regex Gone Haywire - Slashdot
Medireview - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
The Clbuttic Mistake - The Daily WTF
How Amorous Pidgons Can Stop the Trinity Great Court Clock
The Floppy Disk means Save, and 14 other old people Icons that don't make sense anymore - Scott Hanselman
YouTube Kinetic Typography: Jonathan Coulton's Shop Vac
PHP :: Bug #50696 :: number_format when passed a 0 as first function argument, returns null (A good reason to avoid PHP)
godparticle.jpg (JPEG Image, 262 × 320 pixels)
Blackacre sold in courthouse foreclosure auction | LawsForAttorneys.com
The debunking of Torpenhow Hill. - Free Online Library
The Spider of Doom - The Daily WTF
The Actual Live-Action Akira Script: Worse Than You Think | Cracked.com
6 Famous Symbols That Don't Mean What You Think | Cracked.com
How a plan becomes policy (In the beginning was the plan...This is how shit happens.)
Wedding Photobomb: 23 Awkward Wedding Photobombers
We Tried Baseball and It Didn’t Work | xProgramming.com (A parody of "We tried Agile and it didn't work)
Only the Polytron reduces an entire mouse...
The dark side of engineers - Boing Boing (Are you really a mad scientist?)
Dark Suckers (Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers)
Star Trek: Microsoft & Borg
How to destroy the Earth @ Things Of Interest
International Earth-Destruction Advisory Board @ Things Of Interest
Mark Twain quotations - Conjecture: Behold the Power of Science!
The Amazing iOS 6 Maps: Tumblr
Software Wars Depicting the various fronts in the war between FOSS and Microsoft
Project Cartoon: Software development consulting
Mark by Mark Zuckerberg (fashion for men)
RT Store · "It's a Legitimate Strategy" Shirt (Black) (keywords: camping, camper)
On the Effectiveness of Aluminium Foil Helmets: An Empirical Study
Microsoft confident all future technology to involve waving your arms around like a fucking crazy person
David Blaine to play Resident Evil 6 from beginning to end
Switched On Turns One: The Maven -- Engadget
New Biofuels from Petrol Direct
15 Hilarious Signs From Around the World | Reader's Digest
Chesscoaster
6 Insane Stereotypes That Movies Can't Seem to Get Over | Cracked.com
5 Ridiculous Gun Myths Everyone Believes (Thanks to Movies) | Cracked.com
Alien abduction insurance - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Welcome To AutoCricket.com » 14 Bizarre Insurance Policies You Won’t Believe are Actually True
The Speed-up Loop - The Daily WTF
The 20 most fascinating accidental inventions - Potato chips - CSMonitor.com
13 Strange U.S. Laws Canadians Should Know | Reader's Digest
Humor and stories for interpreters: Beepilepsy
ANGLO - DUTCH TRANSLATION GUIDE What the British say What… | alvinng on Xanga
Funny Demotivational Posters ~ Damn Cool Pictures
Oh, so you're having a storm...
Oh shit moment
Why is solid-state storage so flimsy? • Reg Hardware (10 MB Hard Disk $3,495: refurbished)
Pigs: Facebook and You
Correct timing to take snapshot - Xinhua | English.news.cn (First picture: Obama)
World's Funniest Signs - Page 4 - Articles | Travel + Leisure
World's Strangest Sports- Slide 8 - Slideshows | Travel + Leisure
Backwards Gun (Image)
Wrong? Dvorak blames his 'getting screwed over' by Apple
MtG: We Need To Go Deeper
H.E.C. Geek: The mythical $800 hammer
Planet Earth Abandons Death Star Project In Face Of Superior Galactic Imperial Power | Star Wars Blog
Miscellany: INSERT COIN (on an HP printer, instead of "READY")
MisoSoupDesign | Facebook (Miso soup iPhone dock)
Ramen Bowl for iPhone Owners
Press, Bloggers Fall For iPhone Cup Holder 'Joke' - Slashdot (Things that would've sounded like jokes but became huge)
Silly Beyonce..... - Imgur
A Fortune Cookie You Do Not Want to See
Michael Jackson's Credit Card: The Prank
The Super Stunt (keywords: super bowl)
5 Ways You're Accidentally Making Everyone Hate You | Cracked.com
5 So-Called Signs of Genius That Any Idiot Can Learn | Cracked.com
Stupid Warning Labels ~ Damn Cool Pictures
How to be a Linux Kernel Maintainer
I haven't seen a single photo of [Linus] with an assault rifle and mullet. (Challenge accepted!)
Oprah: Bees!
Einstein's Slippers (JPG)
Organized Collection of Irrational Nonsense - Imgur
[1210.8144] Possible Bubbles of Spacetime Curvature in the South Pacific
Necronomicon iPad / eReader Cover by GeekifyInc on Etsy
Buying Star Names | IAU
WORLD MAPS: A Poem on the History of Globe Projections
Woody Harrelson Drying his Eyes with Money (animated GIF)
The William Street Gibberbooks: The pluggandisp of pluggandisp
My World and Welcome... Info Pages: Table of Condiments (that Periodically Go Bad)
Picard Nervously Waves Hello
Digging Minecraft Style
Fearless
Flickr: nancyandwayne: Squirrel!
JavaScript: the Good Parts Stacks Up Against The Definitive Guide
27bslash6: "That's not arguing, that's just you being a dickhead."
18 Ways To Reuse Old Floppydisks.
The Joel on Software Discussion Group (CLOSED) - Why I Hate Frameworks
The Utter Retraction from "A Fish Called Wanda"
Educational Jargon Generator
Italians - It's in their blood! - Imgur (keywords: Costa Concordia)
A Tramp Abroad/Appendix D - Wikisource, the free online library "The Awful German Language"
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am
Forgot your Password in Windows NT? No problem!
"Source Code to Windows 2000"
We told them the wealth would trickle down
Ten Ways to Make NSA Spying Popular with Americans
Kick the NSA and Google Out of Your Office with O.N.I.C.S.
jwz: The Venn Diagram of Irrational Nonsense
TwoHardThings (There are only two hard things in Computer Science)
Why Breaking Bad Would Never Happen In Canada (COMIC)
"Cheepskate"
Stop (Back to Work)
Banana Added for Scale (A New, More Forgiving Unit of Measure)
16 Stupid Tech Job Interview Questions: Show Your Snark - InformationWeek
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Ask Slashdot: What's the Most Often-Run Piece of Code -- Ever? - Slashdot (Smallest possible program ends up having a bug)
Here Is The Gif to End All Gifs (lol nothing matters)
We all play it, some to excess, so play along. "You know you're a true Ingress player when...." : Ingress
Faces of Olympic Figure Skating
Turn NBA 2K14 Into an Avengers vs. Justice League Showdown
Ford Dumping Windows For QNX In New Vehicles - Slashdot If Microsoft Made Cars
The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks
The Biggest Spelling Mistakes in Japanese (look for Tora.Silver's second comment)
Crash Course in Fahrenheit, Celsius and Kelvin
How the vi editor would seem if it has been made by Microsoft (Marigan's Weblog)
Chili Tester Via "Funny and Jokes"
Engineers Explained
Why does Gordan Freeman (Half Life) Not Just Kick Down Doors?
Programming Sucks
The car stereo I wanted 10 years ago vs. The car stereo I want today
Explanations to common Java exceptions (Offensive)
A Company Motto (keywords: Google)
The Saga In Which I Fix My Girlfriends Wifi and Am Hailed as a Conquering Hero
Telephobia
Geeks and repetitive tasks - Imgur
Simple Trouble Shooting Application Now Fixes Everything (secretGeek.net)
Terrible Metaphors
Turkey City Lexicon - A Primer for SF Workshops - SFWA
SoylentNews Comments | United, Orbitz Sue Skiplagged for Helping Travelers Navigate Cheaper Airfare (If paint was priced by an airline)
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency: Santa’s Privacy Policy.
5 Seemingly Random Factors That Control Your Memory | Cracked.com
5 Ways To Hack Your Brain Into Awesomeness | Cracked.com
The 6 Weirdest Things That Are Ruining Your Memory | Cracked.com
Freeze tag deemed unsafe by state - NY Daily News (See picture)
Rap Music Analysis #9 - Comedic Rap and MC Mr. Napkins' "The Aggressive Bee" | The Composer's Corner
Frasier - Imgur: The Tunnelling Electron Microscope
CSI: Cyber: We Watched So You Didn't Have To | Threatpost | The first stop for security news
Watching systemd evolve - DevOps Reactions
Why You Shouldn't Get Chinese Script Tattoos (If You Can't Read Them)
If you can dream it, you can achieve it
Man shells out £14k on army tank for supermarket run | Daily Mail Online
Let's Make Like A...
10 classic Indianisms: 'Doing the needful' and more | CNN Travel
An officer pulls Heisenberg over
Marijuana Contains "Alien DNA" From Outside Of Our Solar System, Scientists Confirm | IFLScience

The Oatmeal

8 Websites You Need to Stop Building - The Oatmeal
How a Web Design Goes Straight to Hell - The Oatmeal
How to Use an Apostrophe - The Oatmeal
The 10 Types of Crappy Interviewees - The Oatmeal
10 Words You Need to Stop Misspelling - The Oatmeal
Dear Sriracha Rooster Sauce - The Oatmeal
The 3 Phases of Owning a Computer - The Oatmeal
The State of the Web - Summer 2011 - The Oatmeal
If you do this in an email, I hate you - The Oatmeal
Why I Believe Printers Were Sent From Hell To Make Us Miserable - The Oatmeal
The crap we put up with getting on and off an airplane - The Oatmeal
Pens: I swear to God this is what they must be doing
When to use i.e. in a sentence - The Oatmeal
What we SHOULD have been taught in our senior year of high school - The Oatmeal
I tried to watch Game of Thrones and this is what happened - The Oatmeal (one of the reasons why torrents are winning; keyword: piracy)
The terrible and wonderful reasons why I run long distances - The Oatmeal
6 things I learned from riding in a Google Self-Driving Car - The Oatmeal

Unintentionally Humourous

Will Apple Adopt Windows? | John C. Dvorak | PCMag.com
Missile Guidance for Dummies

The Onion

FDA Approves Sale Of Prescription Placebo
Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Coworkers
Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4 | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
SPONSORED: The Taliban Is A Vibrant And Thriving Political Movement | The Onion - America's Finest News Source (The Onion Roasts the Atlantic's Scientology Advertorial)
Inventor Of Gromdar Determined To Put A Gromdar In Every American Home | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
American People Hire High-Powered Lobbyist To Push Interests In Congress | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
U.S. Currency Finally Achieves Universal Suffrage | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

The Duffel Blog

Fort Bragg Soldier Charged With Impersonating A Civilian | The Duffel Blog
Shore Sailor Stricken By Navy’s First Case of Scurvy In 150 Years | The Duffel Blog
Fort Bliss Soldier Spends Three Months In Front Leaning Rest For $200 Bet | The Duffel Blog

Codeless Code

The Codeless Code: Case 116 Trust No One
The Codeless Code: Case 94 Conventions
The Codeless Code: Case 84 What It Says On The Tin

From Fortune

Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.

The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. [so say said sentence sextuply...]

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. — Arthur Kasspe

"Do you believe in intuition?" "No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."

The University of California Statistics Department: where mean is normal, and deviation standard.

Charlie was a chemist, But Charlie is no more. For what he thought was H2O, Was H2SO4.

Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.

Great Moments in History: #3 August 27, 1949: A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum.

manic-depressive, adj.: Easy glum, easy glow.

Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.

vuja de: The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.

A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"

Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.

The difference between America and England is that the English think 100 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.

A man's best friend is his dogma.

1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.

tax office, n.: Den of inequity.

Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
— Senator Soaper

Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.
— Charles DeGaulle

Absent, adj.: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
— Mark Twain

It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.

Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics.
— French Proverb

omnibiblious, adj.: Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
Lord’s prayer: 66 words
Archimedes’ Principle: 67 words
Ten Commandments: 179 words
Gettysburg address: 286 words
US Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: 7,818 words
EU regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words
— Europe's Problems Summed Up

No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it. — Hal Chadwick

There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. — Josh Billings

I love you, not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. — Roy Croft

Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship the number zero? Is nothing sacred?

"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."
— An IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory

Support your right to bare arms!
— A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association

Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance.
— Jim Horning

Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions, right here!

Humor in the Court: Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
— The Kidner Report

Command, n.: Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.

meetings, n.: A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.

I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
— Steven Wright

FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ....

When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
— Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war

A photon goes to the airport and buys a ticket. The ticket agent asks if he has any luggage. "Nope," says the photon, "I'm traveling light."

A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, 'How much for a beer?' The bartender looks at him, and says 'For you, no charge.'

Those who don't know, talk. Those who don't talk, know.

narcolepulacyi, n.: The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn. — "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends

Klein bottle for rent — inquire within.

This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it.
— Dorothy Parker

"Mind if I smoke?" "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!"

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."
— Walt West

Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: Q: What is your name? A: Ernestine McDowell. Q: And what is your marital status? A: Fair.

Bumper sticker: All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.

Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule.
— David Guaspari

"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."
— John Barrymore's dying words

Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them?

I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. I do believe that is a record.
— Dylan Thomas, his last words

Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.
— Kim Hubbard

"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
— Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"

No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.
— Channing Pollock

BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature.

The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is that the car salesman knows he's lying.

I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.

Seen on a button at an SF Convention: Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force. 1990-1951.

"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe." — Tom Anderson

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny? — D. Taylor, Computer Science 350

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." — Voltaire

Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these interest rates, we don't need it."

How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?

Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.

The shortest distance between two points is under construction. — Noelie Alito

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

Some people have a great ambition: to build something that will last, at least until they've finished building it.

Quotes

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.
— Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"

"If we hit that bullseye, then the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate."
— Zapp Brannigan — Futurama

"Super perfundo on the early eve of your day."
— John — Waking Life (Movie)

"The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured in billigrahams."
— Unix Fortune File

/* * Please skip to the bottom of this file if you ate lunch recently * -- Alan */
— from Linux kernel pre-2.1.91-1

"Obviously I was either onto something, or on something."
— Larry Wall on the creation of Perl

"When you meet a master swordsman, show him your sword. When you meet a man who is not a poet, do not show him your poem."
— Rinzai, 9th century Zen master

"Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway."
— Tanenbaum, Andrew S. (1996). Computer Networks. New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, 83. ISBN 0-13-349945-6.

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO (or Linux) is the answer."
— Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown

"I know you believe you understand what you think I said. But I am not sure that you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
— Alan Greenspan

"And yet what are we to do about this terribly significant business of other people, which gets bled of the significance we think it has and takes on instead a significance that is ludicrous, so ill-equipped are we all to envision one another's interior workings and invisible aims? Is everyone to go off and lock the door and sit secluded like the lonely writers do, in a soundproof cell, summoning people out of words and then proposing that these word people are closer to the real thing than the real people that we mangle with our ignorance every day? The fact remains that getting people right is not what living is all about anyway. It's getting them wrong that is living, getting them wrong and wrong and wrong and then, on careful reconsideration, getting them wrong again. That's how we know we're alive: we're wrong."

— Philip Roth, American Pastoral

"If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research, would it?"
— Albert Einstein

The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: death.
— Michael Phelps

Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.
— Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
— Ursula K. LeGuin

When I hear words and phrases like "simple", "trivial" and "a small matter of" it's usually a good indication that these minor trifles will be done (or paid for) by someone other than the writer.
— Henry Ford

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
— Mitch Ratcliffe

Savage's Law of Expediency: You want it bad, you'll get it bad.

Whenever you're called on to make up your mind,
and you're hampered by not having any,
the best way to solve the dilemma, you'll find,
is simply by spinning a penny.

No -- not so that chance shall decide the affair
while you're passively standing there moping;
but the moment the penny is up in the air,
you suddenly know what you're hoping.
— Piet Hein

Latin is a language
As dead as can be
First it killed the Romans
And now it's killing me

All are dead who wrote it
All are dead who spoke it
All die who learn it
Blessed death - they earned it
— Unknown

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary."
— James D. Nicoll

"'kthxbye' is the pinnacle of English's advancement, shortening 'All correct, Thank you, God be with you.' into seven lowercase letters. Humanity is doomed."
— kaeru in Urban Dictionary

All it takes for bad English to prevail is for literate people to do nothing.
— Dan Kimmel

Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. — Jean Cocteau

To be or not to be. — Shakespeare
To do is to be. — Nietzsche
To be is to do. — Sartre
Do be do be do. — Sinatra

"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."
— Richard J. Daley

"Hello," he lied.
— Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent

I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
— Richard Diran

Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women.
— Lord Kalvin

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband.
— Michel de Montaigne

Hail Slashdot

Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face.
— Dr. L. Binder

We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure that it wasn't a fish.
— Marshall McLuhan

I think if boys play this game, they will grow up to abuse women, in exactly the same way that I played Asteroids when I was young, and I grew up to be a triangle.
— FloydA, on Fark re: the "Capture the Babe" multiplayer level category in Duke Nukem Forever

Oliver's Law: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
— Clarence Darrow

Gibson's law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia "For every PhD there is an equal and opposite PhD."

Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.

The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.
— Stanley J. Randall

Alas, I am dying beyond my means.
— Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed]

A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when words are superfluous.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.
— Strange de Jim

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you're hungry for power.
— Dick Cavett

I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
— Lucy Van Pelt

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.

No shit, everything is a double-edged sword. Even a single-edged sword is a double-edged sword. Because on the one hand it's sharp but on the other hand it's dull....a single-edged sword is a double-edged sword.
— Louis C. K.

In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
— Stuart Keate

"When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. If you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso."
— Picasso

This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force.
— Dorothy Parker

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.
— Bill Gates

Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.
— Neils Bohr

No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
— Levy's Eighth Law

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
— Rita Rudner

'Politics' comes from the Greek 'poly' meaning 'many' and 'ticks', which are blood-sucking parasites.
— Andre Marrou and Rep. Davy Crockett

The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: I don't mind... and you don't matter.
— As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana

Good Will Hunting (1997) - Memorable quotes (Why shouldn't I work for the N.S.A.?)

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— J. R. R. Tolkien

The problem with quotes on the Internet is that it is hard to verify their authenticity.
— Abraham Lincoln, 1864 (source: the Internet)

In spite of the fact that children have far more and more beautiful toys with every advancing year, we venture to assert that it is just as difficult to amuse them as it ever was.
— Mrs. Beeton's Book of Household Management, 1861

If you have second thoughts about booking a trip to an Indian casino, is it a reservation reservation reservation?
Signature of fliptop (1666)

One day Pavlov walked into a bar and ordered a cognac. He was about to take a sip when the barkeep rang him up. He dropped his glass and shouted "Shit! I've got to feed the dogs!" and ran out.

Sites

Hearing Voices? Could be the lasers
Sumo Card Game
Rather Good — The Lair of the Crab of Ineffable Wisdom Your One Stop Shop for Good and Evil Kittens
Weebl's Stuff
B3TA
The Duke Nukem Forever List (A list of all the things that have happened between the announcement of Duke Nukem Forever and the closure of 3D Realms. No wait! Gearbox bought the rights!)

It's a Trap! (The Cake is a Lie)
Funniest Jokes in the World, 2002 (make sure you have a pop-up blocker enabled)
Yes! Law *can* be mixed with humour!
Chore Wars
HP shatters excessive packaging world record
This Page Intentionally Left Blank
Not Always Right
Sarcastic Quotes & Quotations, Funny Quotes, Humorous Quotations
Sarcastic Haiku Poetry
Irony: Verbal Irony, Socratic Irony, Tragic Irony, Situational Irony
There, I Fixed It - Redneck Repairs
The Classic Blunders T-Shirt | SnorgTees
Immunity to Iocane Powder T-Shirt | SnorgTees
Wanted Dead And Alive T-Shirt | SnorgTees
Freudian Slip | SnorgTees