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HellUpgradesToVistaFor immediate release Hell Upgrades to Windows VistaMarch. 6, 2008, HADES, Gehenna — Bill Gates of Microsoft Inc., and Satan today announced that they have signed a definitive agreement to upgrade all systems to Microsoft Vista. "Now that I'm transitioning away from my full-time position at Microsoft I'm free to check up on all our existing customers and ensure that we continue to meet their needs." Gates said in an exclusive interview. Speaking over the weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth in the background, the Father of Lies added, "I know it must be hard to believe, but because of a miscalculation, we never upgraded from Windows 3.11 for Workgroups." He quickly added, "Although some of our special guests are already using Windows ME. The error in accounting may be due to the special version of both Microsoft Excel and Microsoft Access that was specifically tailored to our unique needs. "How do we spell eternal torment? UAC!" The oft-criticized User Account Control, or "UAC", is Microsoft's new way of handling security in Vista, involving the now infamous "Cancel or Allow" prompts. Apple Inc. has used every opportunity in their commercials to deride this security mechanism. "Of course, we will be installing the pre-release version of Vista, which contains slightly more UAC prompts, and has slightly less overall stability. We will also be using Aero with our existing hardware. The experience is much slower, and complaints from our pilot users have been off the charts." Gates continued, "Although my prior agreements, including various NDAs, prevent me from speaking directly with God, industry analysts have informed me that Heaven doesn't require computers, since God completed all calculations necessary for running Heaven at, or possibly just before, the creation of the universe." Gates was quick to add that for the fewer than 10 people in heaven for whom fixing computers is eternal bliss, including Mr. Charles Babbage, have special arrangements made. "Heaven simply doesn't require computers. Although there are computers there, there are no production problems, since Heaven doesn't require computers to function at peak efficiency." Production problems on Earth include banks unable to process regular day-to-day transactions and computer glitches causing manufacturing delays. "We continue, through intermediaries of course, to extend our monopoly to all other planes of existence, but we haven't had much uptake of Microsoft software other than in Hell." Extended confession times have been reported worldwide as a counter-offensive. Televangilists have also announced operators are standing by. An spokesangel was quoted as saying, "Of course, we knew that this turn of events would come to pass and we were ready and prepared to mount a strong defense." About Microsoft Founded in 1975, Microsoft (Nasdaq "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in operating systems software, which runs on over 80% of all computers worldwide. About Gehenna Gehenna, also refered to as "Hell", was prepared for the devil and his angels by God, also known as "Almighty God", "Jehovah", and many other names. Although it is not known exactly when Gehenna was created, it was most likely present at the time Satan was cast out of Heaven, as written by Ezekiel. Microsoft Windows and Microsoft Windows ME are registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation. Windows Vista is either a registered trademark or trademark of Microsoft Corporation in the United States and/or other countries. |